I live a very quiet life.
I haven't always. I have had dumb jobs and passionate
boyfriends, heartache and noise; I've had plenty of
watching bands play in bars, puking on commuter
trains, and sobbing into the phone (and sometimes all
three on the same night).
But for a couple of years now I have lived and worked
very quietly on the second floor of a two-story brick
apartment building with my cat, the illustrious and
exalted Trixie. Trixie has plush black fur and an
expressive tail, and she sleeps curled up on the round
papasan chair in my bedroom like she's an eagle
perched in a giant nest. She is a perfect animal and I
am too. I am perfectly animal. Every day I eat and
breathe, look at trees, smell the air, and pull the
laces on my sneakers tight. Some days I have a zine
day, which means I sit on the hardwood floor of my
living room and slice through paper with my delicious
paper cutter. Then I do things like carefully arrange
rubber stamp letters and stroke paint onto paper with
a little-kid paintbrush.
But I am also perfectly spirit. I feel and think all
the time. I'm not saying I think well or figure much
out, but like all of you, my mind and heart are almost
always busy. I composed this essay in my mind last
night while I lay in my bed in the dark. I'd had a
migraine all day long and although it had already
broken and the pain had leaked away, I was feeling a
little crazy. That kind of pain often makes me feel
like that—wild when I have it, drifty and almost
bereft when it's gone. To comfort myself I pulled my
Stevie Smith book off the bedside table and into the
bed with me. Other books in my bed include: Notebooks
of a Naked Youth by Billy Childish (another comfort
book because it's probably my favorite novel of all
time), These Demented Lands (I haven't started that
one yet but other things I've read by Alan Warner were
really good), and The Opposite of Fate by Amy Tan, a
book about writing that I acquired in a zine trade.
Trixie was asleep in her eagle's nest at the foot of
the bed, and as I lay there with my books I thought
about what I wanted to tell the readers of the Zine
Yearbook about my life, and about what zines mean to
me. That means I went to sleep last night thinking of
you.
Through doing zines I have made some wonderful
friends, real friends, and we write emails and letters
to each other. One thing I've noticed is that a lot of
us zine folks, especially people who are a fair bit
younger than I am—say, people who are 20 years old or
so—say the word love a lot. We love all the things
that we like now—miso soup, knitted gloves—which is something I find
touching, and although I don't say love quite as often
myself, I love zines. Dreaming them up, physically
constructing them, and bringing them to the post
office all snug in their packages makes me feel whole
in a way not much else does. It's hard for me to
explain exactly why. I think I love zines for the same
reason I loved writing in the beginning, before it got
hard. The medium of zines reminds me of the point of
the work: the deep and sincere need to be heard, the
yearning for communion. I sign most of my zines "love,
Katie" as though they're letters because they feel a
lot like letters to me. I mean, I wouldn't bother
saying something if I didn't think there was someone
to say it to. Some of you have heard what I've said in
my zines and I've heard what some of you have said in
your zines and that honestly amazes me. The connection
people make with each other through writing and
reading is as human as we get, and zinesters know
this, they live it. I'm writing this now and you're
reading it in another now, which means we're here
together in a way; wherever we are, we're both
crackling with the same kind of life. Can you think of
anything more incredible than that?